25 warning signs for fathers when kids have special needs…

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Dr. G

Untitled design-3A man will often define himself by where he is in his career, his earnings level, and by how he compares his life to others. It’s how men are taught to keep score. We seem to define our strength as men by how we are doing as a provider. That’s our identity. That’s our scoreboard. That’s our measure of success as a husband and a father. We are taught how to keep score without realizing we are playing on the wrong field.

So when we are challenged by our children with special needs and the redefining of our roles as fathers, we are confounded. That’s because the measure of a man is actually determined by how he responds to the challenge of raising a son or daughter with special needs. The footings of his strength are rooted in his unconditional love for his kids. The cornerstone of his strength is found in the boundless depths of his heart for his children.

A special needs dad should be involved, engaged, and passionately serving his family. He is intently focused on being the servant leader of his family. He has laid down his dreams, plans, and suppositions about his own life, his own desires, and his own aspirations in order to fulfill God’s calling on his life.

No one plans to become a vacant dad. No one wakes up one day and says, “This is the day I become a vacant dad.” It happens over time, gradually and sometimes slowly. A choice becomes a habit. A habit becomes a lifestyle. A lifestyle crosses over the line and becomes your character. Without realizing it, despite all the warning signs, you have become a vacant dad.

Can you see it coming? What warning signs may manifest themselves in your life? What choices or habits might lead you down the slippery slope of becoming a vacant dad?

Here are the top twenty-five warning signs you are becoming a vacant dad…

Top 25 Warning Signs You Are Becoming a Vacant Dad

    • Surrounded by your family at home, you still find yourself thinking more and more about your work, your hobbies, or daydreaming.
    • You escape your home environment by spending most of your free time “relaxing:” television, the Internet or social media, a favorite hobby, video games, etc.
    • You spend more time lamenting that your own needs and expectations aren’t being met than you do serving the needs of your family.
    • You are reluctant to surrender your own dreams, ambitions, and plans in sacrificing for the needs of your family.
    • Your idea of expressing love for your children is to shower them with gifts and toys rather than to delight them by being engaged and interacting with them for yourself.
    • You can’t remember the last time you spoke any words of affirmation or encouragement over your child.
    • You have accepted the role of provider for your family, but that should simply be enough for your role as a dad.
    • You rarely, if ever, pray over your child and family, calling down God’s blessings, favor, and purpose over your child and family.
    • You still think the story of your life is about you and that you are the main character.
    • You still let your anger, bitterness, or denial over your circumstances dictate your dealings, feelings, and actions toward your child and family.
    • Your thought life leads you to feel that this role as a special needs dad is more of a burden than it is a blessing.
    • You tend to gravitate toward your typical children at the expense of your child with special needs.
    • Your expectations for your relationship with your wife have not changed even with the addition of a child with special needs into your family.
    • You are too obsessed with fixing your child to focus on the sheer joys of fatherhood.
    • Your lack of understanding grace in your own life inhibits your ability to shower your own child with unconditional love.
    • You are still letting your circumstances determine your joy and contentment, rather than discovering the gift you have been given with this child with special needs.
    • You are always comparing your life, your child, your family, and your circumstances to other people and constantly lamenting the differences.
    • You don’t believe your child is wonderfully made or created for a plan and a purpose with a destiny to glorify God.
    • You spend more time asking God to change your circumstances than you do asking God to use your circumstances to teach you and reveal His presence to you.
    • You let your own pride, embarrassment, selfishness, and self-consciousness prevent you from any talking or sharing about your child publicly, or even being seen around them.
    • You make excuses for and create “busyness” that prevents you from spending significant time engaged with your child.
    • You don’t know how to interact or engage with your child with special needs because you can’t do so the way you were raised or imagined that you as a father would be participating.
    • You can remember every player’s name, number, and position on your favorite sports team, but don’t remember your own child’s birthday, teacher’s name, favorite activities, or favorite books.
    • You feel that as long as you don’t physically abandon your family, you aren’t a vacant dad. (P.S. If that’s so, you may already be a vacant dad.)
    • You read all twenty-four of these blurbs and tried to make excuses to rationalize and justify your behavior about way too many of them.

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jeff-and-ja-300x225Jeff Davidson is an author and pastor who enjoys speaking at churches, conferences, events and to groups, ministering to special needs families and individuals. Jeff and his wife Becky started Rising Above Ministries when they realized the incredible gift and blessing their own son with special needs (Jon Alex) was to them. Jeff’s book, No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches, is available through Crosslink Publishing, Barnes and Noble and Amazon.

 

Posted in Parents, Special Needs Ministry | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

One request from a survivor of childhood abuse

Posted on January 5, 2016 by Dr. G

shutterstock_74353027Editor’s Note: Today’s post was written by a friend of Key Ministry who asked not to be identified by name. Given the personal nature of the post, we’re honoring their request. As Shannon, Jolene and myself have written about trauma in the past, this piece resonates with some of our earlier posts on the topic.

Maybe you’re a pastor. Maybe you care for kids at church or school or daycare. Maybe, as is the law in 18 states, you’re simply an adult.

You’re also a mandatory reporter. By law, you are responsible for alerting authorities if you suspect a child is being neglected, physically abused, emotionally or verbally abused, or sexually abused, whether or not you have absolute proof. Some people fail to do so, out of reasons like offering the benefit of the doubt or not wanting to upset parents with an investigation.

Others, like you, take your role as a mandated reporter seriously. Thank you.

I was one of those kids. I showed warning signs of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. I even told some teachers and ministry leaders about what was happening to me at home.

The laws might have been different back then. I’m not sure. But I am sure that the moral imperative still existed, as did the biblical mandate to care for the vulnerable. Yet no one helped me. If someone had taken action when I first disclosed my circumstances instead of dismissing my words because my family seemed fine, I believe it would have made a world of difference in my life. Maybe if someone took my words and signs of abuse seriously, I could have been rescued before the abuse escalated and my abuser started coming to my room at night.

This post isn’t about me, though. I’ll be okay. I’m adult now with a strong support network, and I’m working on healing. I’m writing today to make a request for the next kid like me who crosses your path. He or she is the focus of this post. Sometime in the future you will meet another child with warning signs for abuse or neglect, and you’ll have a choice to either report those concerns or talk yourself out of it.

Please. For the sake of the next child, speak up if you see any suspicious indicators.

Maybe you’ll be wrong. If so, the investigation of the family will likely show that, and you will have complied with your legal or moral responsibility.

But maybe you’ll be right. Maybe your action will free a child from future harm. In my case, the abuse would last another decade from the first time I disclosed to a trusted adult who could have helped me but chose to look the other way. How I wish they would have risked being wrong!

If you work with kids, part of your job is keeping them safe. Please, for that child in your case who needs your help and in honor of the child I once was, do your job.

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shutterstock_185745920Key Ministry has produced a number of resources to help church leaders respond more effectively to kids and families impacted by trauma. Dr. Grcevich did this series on trauma and kids. Jolene Philo, author of Does My Child Have PTSD?, authored this series on PTSD in children.

We also recommend resources from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network as well as resources for adoptive and foster parents developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael & Amy Monroe at Empowered to Connect.

Posted in Controversies, Hidden Disabilities, PTSD | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A New Year brings a new relationship…

Posted on January 1, 2016 by Dr. G

Not Alone logoOn behalf of the Board and staff of Key Ministry, I’d like to be the first to extend to our followers best wishes for a Happy and Joyous New Year. May you experience more of God’s blessing and presence in 2016!

As we embark upon a new ministry year, I’m especially enthused about the relationship we’re building with Sandra Peoples and her team of writers at Not Alone, the special needs parenting website launched in 2013 by our friend and former colleague Mike Woods. The site that Mike created and Sandra cultivated is literally a treasure trove of content for parents raising kids with disabilities. Followers of Key Ministry will recognize a number of familiar faces among the contributors to Not Alone, including Kathy Bolduc, Emily Colson, Jeff Davidson, Shannon Dingle, Barb Dittrich, Cindy Ferrini, Gillian Marchenko, Jolene Philo and Ellen Stumbo.  You’ll also be introduced to some fabulous leaders from the disability ministry movement who haven’t yet written for us or presented for one of our events… Sarah Broady, Kara Dedert, Mike George, Kelly Langston, Patty Myers, Sarah Parshall Perry and Laurie Wallin.

SandraSandra has officially joined our team as our Social Community and Family Support Manager. In her new position, Sandra will be responsible for assembling much of the content we’ll be offering families, coordinating the online groups we’ll be launching over the coming months and building the connector we’ll be launching to help families of kids with disabilities experience the ability to worship in the physical presence of other Christ-followers in a church near where they live. She’ll be working with a team of consultants to ensure that as many church leaders and families as possible discover the resources our crew at Key is developing to help connect churches and families of kids with disabilities.

Head on over to check out what the folks at Not Alone have been doing…we think you’ll discover inspiration, encouragement and support for the new year ahead! Here’s a sneak preview from our friend, Emily Colson…

Press on Toward the Goal

Max on the BeachMy dad would often tell me that when Billy Graham was asked what surprised him most about life, he answered, “the brevity of it all.” It’s true—all of a sudden it’s 2016 and my son Max has just turned 25. Along with brevity, this new year’s day reminds me of several other startling truths:

1) It is becoming less plausible that I’m carrying postpartum baby weight.

2) Max has grown a beard, which means he looks far more sophisticated when he carries a teddy bear.

3) We have survived a quarter-century of life with autism.

But something happened 10 years ago that has made me acutely aware of the brevity of life, and gave me just the push I needed.

Max was 15 at the time. Even thought he was in a wonderful school, my legs were like rubber as I walked into our team meeting. A dozen well-dressed individuals were seated around the long conference room table. As I thanked the staff for their hard work with Max, I could hear my own heart pounding as if the base were turned up too loud on a radio.

We discussed Max’s progress, and challenges, and the goals for the next year. It was going well, until we came to the parent vision statement, a section on his Education Plan giving parents an undisputed voice to share their hopes and dreams for their child’s future. The teacher read through the words from last year’s education plan, a vision I had worked so hard to write.

“How does it sound? Is this still your vision for Max’s future?” the teacher asked, as she sat behind her laptop and looked up at the screen.

My head went light and I could barely read the words on the screen.

“It’s fine,” I mumbled weakly. But it wasn’t fine. I was doe-eyed from the phone call with my surgeon, which had taken place just minutes before this team meeting had begun. I had been sitting in the school parking lot, phone pressed up against my ear, sucked back against the front seat of my car as if my body had been glued there by centrifugal force. The doctor gave me the surgical choices I would have to make to treat the rare form of melanoma that was once just a small dark ink-drop on my thigh. And then he gave me my odds of survival.

As I sat beneath the bright florescent lights in the conference room, surrounded by Max’s team, one thought began pounding in my head like a sledgehammer.

What if I’m not here next year to sit in another team meeting?

What if this is my last chance to speak up?

As if propelled by force, my words burst out. “I’d like to add something to my vision statement,” I said.

“OK,” the teacher said as she held her fingers to the keys, waiting.

All of my splintered thoughts collected into one, and in that moment I spoke with complete clarity.

For the remainder of Emily’s post, click here…

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shutterstock_58760644Many of our 8,000+ friends who access this blog through the Key Ministry Facebook page see a small percentage of the content we post. In the event you missed something that was quite popular among your fellow readers, check out our ten most popular blog posts of 2015. Adoption, trauma and ADHD were quite the hot topics this past year!

Our team at Key Ministry looks forward to serving you, your church and your family in 2016!

 

Posted in Families, Key Ministry, Parents, Resources | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A place for families looking for a church where they’ll be welcomed…

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Dr. G

shutterstock_12079204On behalf of the Board and staff of Key Ministry, I’d like to extend Best Wishes to our followers everywhere for a Blessed and Joyous New Year! Between now and the start of the new year on Friday, I’ll give you a sneak preview of what we have planned for 2016 and beyond and how you might consider joining us in our future adventures.

Since the start of this decade, we’ve been led to pursue a subtle, but critically important expansion of our mission. Here’s our original mission statement from early in 2003…

To build the Body of Christ by empowering churches to minister to families with children of hidden disabilities.

Here’s our revised mission statement from 2013…

Key Ministry provides knowledge, innovation and experience to the worldwide church as it ministers to and with families of children impacted by mental illness, trauma and developmental disabilities.

Here’s how we see our mission going forward…

Key Ministry promotes meaningful connection between churches and families of kids with disabilities for the purpose of making disciples of Jesus Christ.

 

shutterstock_49264180Here’s what it means…We’ve historically focused all of our time, talent and treasure on resourcing and supporting churches for the first thirteen years of our existence. Our working assumption has been that churches drive the process. But if we’re called to be bridge builders between the church and families impacted by disability (with a special emphasis on families of kids with mental illness, trauma and developmental disabilities), it only makes sense to be building bridges capable of supporting traffic coming from both directions. Our challenge in the year ahead will expand by helping families impacted by disability connect with the rapidly growing movement of churches prepared to welcome them.

Working together with many like-minded ministry leaders and colleagues, we will be establishing a place for families looking for a church where they’ll be welcomed in 2016. We’re not yet sure what we’re going to call it yet, but we plan to launch our online site for families by April 1st. Here’s some of what it will include…

Not Alone … a top special needs ministry blog authored by twenty Christian parents raising kids with disabilities.

Online groups… Facebook communities (large groups built around common interests – diagnosis, education issues, adoption, etc.), Facebook groups (small to large, for adult education, book studies, Bible studies) and more intimate groups offered through videoconference-based technology. We’ll be linking families to established groups offered through great organizations like SNAPPIN’ MINISTRIES and starting new groups where the need exists. We’ll also help families access online groups offered by local churches.

Church connector… This is the most ambitious part of the plan. We’ll be establishing a volunteer-driven database (frequently updated by staff) of congregations across the U.S. prepared to welcome and support families impacted by disability in search of a local church.

Video podcasts and training events designed for parents of kids with disabilities who seek to raise all of their kids with a growing faith in Jesus Christ.

Online worship events featuring devotionals and teaching of specific interest to families impacted by disability.

Resource links… including church-based respite care, parent mentors, support for parents involved with adoption or foster care and educational videos to help parents better manage challenges of daily living when kids are impacted by common disabilities.

We’re going to need lots of help to accomplish the work we’ve been led to pursue in 2016. We’ll need lots of volunteers to connect with families looking for churches through the site. Expect to receive an invitation to participate if you serve on staff or volunteer at a church with an intentional disability inclusion ministry sometime in February.

We’re seeking to raise $25,000 in new support this year through our Annual Fund to help build the website, provide staff support to establish and maintain the church connector and online groups, support a continuous social media campaign to help families discover and make use of the site and to fund a pilot project using our Google Grant to identify strategies local churches might use to make connections with families impacted by disability in the communities they serve. We’ve been blessed with generous financial supporters who have made our ministry possible for the past thirteen years, but we’re very quickly reaching the limits of what we can accomplish without additional staff to support our volunteers, speakers and bloggers and to process the growing volume of requests we receive for consultation, training and information.

shutterstock_2861098-2If you’ve been blessed with the financial resources to support the work of Key Ministry at the end of the year, you can give with PayPal, mail or credit card through our website, through our GoFundMe page or by texting a secure gift by smartphone to us at (440) 337-4338 through our Kindrid app.

To reach people no one else in reaching, we have to try stuff no one else is trying. The 40,000 plus visitors per month visiting our Church4EveryChild blog suggests that the need is great. Join us as we seek to extend the love of Christ to families everywhere for whom a child with a disability has too often been an insurmountable barrier to connecting with a local church.

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shutterstock_58760644Many of our 8,000+ friends who access this blog through the Key Ministry Facebook page see a small percentage of the content we post. In the event you missed something that was quite popular among your fellow readers, check out our ten most popular blog posts of 2015. Adoption, trauma and ADHD were quite the hot topics this past year!

Our team at Key Ministry looks forward to serving you, your church and your family in 2016!

 

Posted in Advocacy, Families, Hidden Disabilities, Key Ministry, Strategies | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Start with Hello

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Dr. G

Start with Hello picEditor’s note: We’re very pleased to help our colleagues at Joni and Friends launch Irresistible Church, a new website with lots of great resources to help churches get started with disability ministry, accompanied by a series of inexpensive, “how-to” books for churches seeking to launch inclusive ministries. Kate Brueck is the author of Start with Hello, the first book in the series to be released. We’re honored to have Kate as our guest blogger today…

According to what social media tells me as a young thirty-something, I should be highly disenfranchised with Church, pursuing social justice with my whole heart and typing this post with a squishy, snap-on keyboard in a coffee shop somewhere. To set the record straight, I did have a “seasonal” mocha this morning, but am typing on a desktop PC, and Church is my very favorite. It’s hard to know how to end that last sentence: favorite what? Group of people, place to be, time of the week, service opportunity? Yes, to all of those answers.

Before you shut me out and say we have nothing in common aside from coffee, know that I understand Church is not on everyone’s Top Ten list of favorites, and with good reason, especially for families with special needs. I recently taught a workshop called “How Wounded People Perceive Church Leadership” and the hardest part was determining which case studies not to include for the sake of time. There’s a lot of real information to be digested about individuals and families yearning for a place to worship, fellowship, grow and serve but being confounded at every turn. Adding special needs, disability or learning differences to the mix makes finding a true church home seem that much more difficult, if not impossible.

But this post is not about why or how the Church may or may not have failed. One of the reasons I love the Church so much is because for every heart-breaking conversation I’ve had with a special needs family regarding their struggle for a church home, I’ve had two to three earnest conversations with church leaders asking how to make their church accessible to all.

I’ve had the privilege of working for Joni and Friends for the last several years training, equipping, coaching and resourcing churches to fully include families and individuals with special needs. Large churches, medium churches, small churches; churches that meet in public school gyms, churches that have been in the same historic building for a 100 years; churches that are newly planted and churches that are well established: all sizes, types and denominations of Christ-honoring churches are actively seeking how to develop special needs ministry well.

I’m grateful to be just one member of a great national team of Joni and Friends church equippers because we’ve each had the opportunity to testify that this desire for effective inclusion in church is not isolated to one locale. From San Francisco to New England to the Panhandle, we’ve heard the sincere questions of how to get started, how to reach out, how to include over and over again. What steps should a church take? How do we train volunteers? What happens when things go wrong? And most frequently, how do we know what families need and how can we ensure we aren’t making life harder for them?

As church trainers, we keep pretty close tabs on the best resources for special needs ministry out there, and there are many incredible books, blogs and conferences that speak to this need. As we have grown into the equipping process, we have realized that there is still room for readily accessible, very practical instruction that moves beyond motivation for doing special needs ministry and actually answers the recurring questions we hear from ministry leaders and volunteers. We’ve gotten busy putting these answers on paper.

Start with HelloTo share this work, I am pleased to announce the release of Start with Hello, the first of many how-to booklets that fit together in Joni and Friends new Irresistible Church series. Designed to help a church launch or re-launch sustainable, effective special needs ministry, Start with Hello walks the ministry leader through five steps to starting a special needs ministry. While each church’s journey is different, with different dreams, resources, needs and people, we’ve found that working through the five step progression puts a church on the right path to becoming an irresistible church.

From our perspective, an irresistible church is an authentic community built on the hope of Christ that compels people affected by disability to fully belong. Using compel and irresistible in the same sentence means that we aren’t forcing a person by twisting their arm to pretend special needs doesn’t exist or that they should grin and bear it to be a part of Church. Compel here means to be so Christ-like, so loving, so inclusive that a person can’t help but be involved. It’s the difference between taking medicine because you know it’s good for you but it tastes nasty, and taking medicine that tastes like your very favorite dessert. We pray that the outcome of each Irresistible Church booklet is to make your church community, regardless of size, denomination or style, this type of irresistible. Each booklet is a manageable size focusing on one particular topic like how to structure a buddy ministry, how to plan respite, and how to make worship an inclusive experience for all.

Irresistible Church formsThe Irresistible Church series is meant to be user-friendly and very handy. If you prefer eReaders, hop over to Amazon and download the Kindle version of Start with Hello for free. If you need something in hand to flip through, write in or pass along to the person who will implement special needs ministry, request your free hard copy through irresistible.org. While you are there, catch up on the blog and bookmark the page, as special needs ministry leaders around the country will be frequently posting nuggets of their wisdom and expertise. In addition, irresistible.org will house the appendices referenced in each Irresistible Church book, beginning with Start with Hello. From church surveys to job descriptions to our favorite resources, these appendices will be kept current and helpful.

We know that there are many questions from families with special needs regarding if there will ever be a church home for them. We also know that churches have just as many questions about how to become that church home for families with special needs. I pray that Start with Hello will provide the concrete answers needed to join families with churches in ways that bless them both.

Kate B 2Kate Brueck is the Church Relations Manager for Joni and Friends Charlotte. She has enjoyed working with students of all flavors and abilities as a middle school music teacher, a missionary in a Kenyan orphanage and as a pastor’s wife. She and her husband live in Charlotte, NC and are eagerly awaiting the arrival of their first child. Her book, Start with Hello: Introducing Your Church to Special Needs Ministry is available for $0.99 at Amazon. 

Posted in Advocacy, Intellectual Disabilities, Key Ministry, Resources, Special Needs Ministry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Our Ten Most Popular Blog Posts of 2015

Posted on December 22, 2015 by Dr. G

shutterstock_58760644I’d like to offer a big thank you to all of our readers…our team at Key Ministry very much appreciates your willingness to share our blog posts throughout 2015 with your friends and colleagues.

Over the course of the year, we acquire lots of new followers. Many have missed out on posts from earlier in the year and 8,000+ friends who access the blog through the Key Ministry Facebook page may only see a small percentage of the content we post. In the event you may have missed something that was quite popular among your fellow readers, today we share the ten most viewed posts of 2015.

While we try to post new content several times each week, half of the ten most popular posts were published in earlier years. Fully half were also among the most viewed posts in 2014, and one was the most viewed post in 2013. The ten posts were written by four different authors, and were viewed from 193 countries.

#1 What if the church destroyed the foster care system as we know it? Shannon’s commentary from September 30th inspired a record number of comments for any post (148) and cast a vision for how the church in America might impact the foster care system.

thegirls#2 Please don’t say “all kids do that” to adoptive and foster families… In this piece from January, Shannon discusses words that minimize the challenges parents face in caring for kids coming from hard places.

#3 What we know about kids who do what Josh Duggar did This post offers a review of the research examining kids who sexually offend other children.

#4 DSM-5: Rethinking Reactive Attachment Disorder (#2 in 2014, #1 in 2013) This post examines the the decision in the DSM-5 to redefine the diagnostic criteria for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and the shift among professionals to view what had been defined as attachment disorders as manifestations of trauma.

oren_informal_close_up_websize#5 Dr. Oren Mason…Wondering what a pill will do to me? Dr. Oren Mason, a highly respected physician and author shared a first-person account of his personal experience of taking medication for ADHD.

#6 Shannon Dingle…Why do you keep writing about how broken kids in foster or adoptive placements are? Shannon explains her rationale for telling the whole story of loving children and families in the midst of both the beauty and the brokenness of adoption and foster care.

#7 He won’t remember: Children and PTSD…Jolene Philo (#6 in 2014) Jolene writes about the long term complications of medical trauma in newborns.

#8 I love adoption but  (#1 in 2014) Shannon encourages the church to be careful in the picture they portray of adoption and foster care.

#9 Churches should become trauma and attachment-informed (#3 in 2014) Shannon shares seven steps church leaders might pursue to become trauma and attachment-informed and to use that knowledge to serve adoptive and foster families well

ADHD pencil nose#10 Updated…Why your kid’s Concerta hasn’t been working lately (#4 in 2014) This post examines the research demonstrating that generic formulations of the most popular medication prescribed to teens in the U.S. are associated with serious shortcomings compared with the branded version of the drug.

Before we go, a few words on how you can help us maximize the impact of the blog in the months and years ahead.

  • “Like” and comment on our Facebook posts. The likelihood our followers will see anything we post through Facebook is contingent upon readers leaving comments and sharing with their friends. The more “interesting” our posts are, the more likely it is that other followers will see the posts.
  • Share our posts through other social media platforms (Twitter, Pinterest, Google Plus).
  • Consider becoming an advertiser or sponsor of the blog. We have two exciting announcements to make in the remainder of 2015 about the exposure the blog is receiving and a sizable addition to our roster of blog contributors.

Best Wishes for a very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year from your friends at Key Ministry!

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shutterstock_225004543Key Ministry’s Annual Fund helps to support free training, consultation and support for churches seeking to welcome, serve and include families of kids with disabilities, and allows us to provide this blog as a resource for over 40,000 visitors each month. Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare for 2016 and consider a generous financial gift to support the ongoing work of our ministry team.

Posted in ADHD, Adoption, Advocacy, Foster Care, Key Ministry, PTSD, Resources | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The five words that made me a special needs advocate

Posted on December 20, 2015 by Dr. G

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I was already a special education teacher. I had friends with disabilities. I grew up with an IEP for severe speech impediments. But this wasn’t my passion yet. It was just a job. It wasn’t my heartbeat. Not yet.

Then I was called into the principal’s office at the end of my first year of teaching, and everything changed.

First, let me say that being asked to the principal’s office as a teacher feels a little bit like being hauled there as a student for misbehavior. I was nervous. I didn’t know why he needed to see me. I thought I might be in trouble.

Then as I entered the room and sat down, he smiled across the desk. I could see this wasn’t a bad thing. He began complimenting my teaching style and success with some challenging students. He described the good things he saw in a recent observation of my classroom. He wasn’t generally this positive, so I wasn’t sure what to make of his monologue.

Then those path-altering words came: “Miss Saunders [my name at the time, as I wasn’t married yet], you’re an excellent teacher, and those kids don’t deserve you. I’d like you to switch to general education where the kids can really benefit from a teacher like you. We can find someone else to fill your space in special education.”

I’m rarely left speechless. But for a moment, I couldn’t find any words to answer him. I didn’t realize it yet, but a switch had flipped in my soul. There was no going back.

I inhaled, choosing my words carefully.

“No, sir,” I started. “I appreciate your confidence in me, I do. But I need you to understand this: my students deserve an excellent teacher. They shouldn’t get less than any other child just because they’re in special education. If you insist on moving me to general education, I’ll resign. That’s not the job I want. No, thank you.”

I can’t remember what he said next. I vaguely remember a standing offer to change my mind later, if I so chose. I managed not to share my opinions about how vile I considered his words to be. I returned to my classroom, but special education was no longer just a job.

I was an advocate, forever changed. I knew, from then on, my life would be marked by making it clear that “those kids” deserve anything any other kids do. I still don’t care for that principal. But? God used his reprehensible flattery to shape me into who I am today.

For that, I am thankful.

In addition to serving as a Key Ministry Church Consultant, Shannon Dingle is a co-founder of the Access Ministry at Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC.
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shutterstock_120941872Key Ministry’s Annual Fund helps to support free training, consultation and support for churches seeking to welcome, serve and include families of kids with disabilities, and allows us to provide this blog as a resource for over 40,000 visitors each month. Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare for 2016 and consider a generous financial gift to support the ongoing work of our ministry team.

Posted in Advocacy, Key Ministry, Stories | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

My 8 favorite Bible verses for special needs ministry (and the one I usually don’t use)

Posted on December 16, 2015 by Dr. G

shutterstock_54131221When I’m training volunteers, talking to new families, advocating for our ministry within the church, or speaking at conferences, these are the eight verses I use to emphasize the calling that each church has to include all people.

John 9:1-3

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

What I love: that Christ saw the man first, that those who had been spending time closely with Christ still didn’t have a right understanding of theology and disability, that Christ makes it clear that disability is not a punishment for sin, and that God has a purpose in disability

Luke 14:12-14

He said also to the man who had invited him, “When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.”

What I love: that people who know Christ are called to act differently and unexpectedly, that God is inviting us to have a party that includes people of all walks of life, that the Christian life is marked by radical hospitality, and that we are called to serve without expectation of reciprocation

Psalm 139:13-16 

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

What I love: that God creates all life purposefully, that life begins in the womb, and that he has a plan for each of us

Mark 10:14-15

But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

What I love: that Christ welcomes all, that he rebukes the disciples for keeping the children away, and that he esteems child-like faith over adult intellect

Mark 16:15 

And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.

What I love: that people with disabilities are part of the whole creation, that he doesn’t say “except for those who don’t look or behave or think or move or feel like you do,” and that God means all when he says all the world.

1 Corinthians 12:12-27

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

What I love: that every part of the body of Christ matters, that we’re all in this together no matter how strong or weak we seem, and that no part is considered less than another but rather our judgment is flawed because we think some “seem to be weaker” and some parts “we think less honorable”

Exodus 4:11

Then the LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?”

What I love: that God reveals a theological mystery here, taking credit for disability (i.e. he doesn’t just allow it, he authors it, even if the purposes aren’t clear to us)

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

What I love: that in this verse and all others, “all” includes people with disabilities… and the gospel applies to them as well as me, because all of us are sinners in need of a Savior…and the one I don’t use often.

Matthew 25:31-46

Bible Shannon PostI won’t paste the entire passage here, but this is a oft-quoted “least of these” story told by Christ. I don’t have a problem with others using it, but I don’t usually use it in special needs ministry trainings. Why? Well, I find that my listeners immediately identify as the ministers (us) and consider people with special needs to be the least (them). Considering that all of us are broken by sin and all – with and without disabilities – gifted to contribute to the body of Christ (see the 1 Corinthians passage above), it is often unhelpful to cast ourselves into separate camps. Instead of always ministering to “them,” how about “us” and “them” acknowledge together that we’re all the least of these and join together to worship the King of kings?

What are your favorites? Did I leave off any verse(s) that you find useful as a disability ministry leader or a special needs parent?

In addition to serving as a Key Ministry Church Consultant, Shannon Dingle is a co-founder of the Access Ministry at Providence Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC.

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Kindrid Instructional SlideKey Ministry’s Annual Fund helps to support free training, consultation and support for churches seeking to welcome, serve and include families of kids with disabilities, and allows us to provide this blog as a resource for over 40,000 visitors each month. Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare for 2016 and consider texting a generous gift through our secure Kindrid app to support the work of our team. On your smartphone, text to (440) 337-4338, and enter a dollar amount in the message section of the text. It’s that easy! Thanks for your generous support of Key Ministry in 2015!

Posted in Inclusion, Intellectual Disabilities, Key Ministry, Resources, Special Needs Ministry | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Burdens and blessings…

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Dr. G

Super BowlLast week in this space I wrote about the mission God has for special needs dads. I described the five roles of the special needs dad as a warrior, a provider, a protector, an encourager and an equipper.

God desires for men everywhere to embrace their roles as dads of individuals with special needs with passion, purpose, and a true sense of calling.

Recently one of my good friends accompanied his eighteen-year-old son off to join the Marines. Another friend sent his eighteen-year-old child off to college.

My son turned eighteen this year as well. He still pees in the bathtub.

The gap between our life and the life of a typical family is sometimes so vast that it’s difficult to comprehend. As my wife likes to say, “Sometimes my reality is just too real.”

I remember in the early years desperately clinging to the words “developmental delay” because they somehow implied a time would come where his development would catch up. Those words were the anchor of my hope.

But as my son got older the gap widened instead of narrowing. Our new normal was constantly being modified and adjusted. I never dreamed that my son would remain non-verbal his whole life. I never imagined that I would never hear the words, “I love you,” much less hear him call me “dad.”

I never dreamed that he would never be able to walk independently without physical assistance. I never dreamed we would have to feed him all of his meals hand by hand, bite by bite. I never dreamed that I would never be able to get a good night’s sleep ever again. I never dreamed he would always need our help with bathing, getting dressed, shaving, and all of the other basic needs.

I never imagined he would never learn to read or write. I never dreamed he would never drive, marry, or give us grandchildren.

I never dreamed he would watch the same Wiggly Safari DVD every day before supper for fourteen years. I never dreamed we would never go camping, fishing, or travel to ballgames like my dad and I had done when I was a kid.

I never dreamed he would live with us even after becoming an adult.

All along this journey as a dad of son with profound special needs, so many expectations were surrendered and so many dreams died.

And then one day I realized that the burdens often provide the biggest blessings in our lives. For every dream that is dashed by the new normal as a dad of a child with special needs, a window is cracked into new insights and revelations from God.

I never dreamed I could love so unconditionally until God gave me a son with special needs. I never dreamed I would see the essence of the gospel lived out in my own house every day.

I never dreamed I could find joy in the simplest of things until I had a son with special needs. I never dreamed I could find such contentment in the daily laying down of my life for my son’s needs.

I never dreamed I would treasure having a teenage boy fall asleep on my shoulders at night. I never imagined the gratitude I could feel just sitting beside him on a swing at night, speaking blessings over him. I never imagined the sheer happiness I could have in just making him smile and laugh.

I never dreamed that God would use the life of my son so much to completely change me, inspire me, and draw me closer to Him. I also never imagined that my life would have so many tears and so many moments of despair. But I also can’t imagine it any other way.

No, my life didn’t turn out at all like I imagined or dreamed. But I also never imagined that I would want to go back and do it all over again like I do now.

For every dream that died, God replaced it with a blessing. I never imagined that life could be so hard and yet so good all at the same time. And I never dreamed that the things that created the most challenges would also bring the greatest blessings.

As fathers, God has given us amazing gifts in the form of our kids. God has designed us to be warriors, protectors, providers, encouragers, and equippers of our kids and our families.

This is our Super Bowl, dads. This is our Stanley Cup. Our kids are our masterpieces, our magnum opus, and our opportunity to see the essence of the gospel in our own homes. God calls us to be so much more than vacant dads. God has called us to be warriors, protectors, providers, encouragers, and equippers.

jeff-and-ja-300x225Jeff Davidson and his wife Becky started Rising Above Ministries when they realized the incredible gift and blessing their own son with special needs (Jon Alex) was to them. Jeff’s book, No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches, is available through Crosslink Publishing, Barnes and Noble and Amazon.

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shutterstock_120941872Key Ministry’s Annual Fund helps to support free training, consultation and support for churches seeking to welcome, serve and include families of kids with disabilities, and allows us to provide this blog as a resource for over 40,000 visitors each month. Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare for 2016 and consider a generous financial gift to support the ongoing work of our ministry team.

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Want an easy life? Don’t become a Christian

Posted on December 13, 2015 by Dr. G

shutterstock_344142374

Editor’s note: Today’s post is in honor of our colleagues in ministry who inspire us through their faithful service in the face of adversity. You know who you are.

During the middle of today’s sermon, my pastor stopped the service and asked each of us to reflect upon who God has placed in our lives who is in need of mercy. I had no shortage of folks come to mind…

  • The father in search of a hospital willing to put him on the waiting list for a kidney transplant so he might hope to live a typical lifespan to care for his son with significant special needs.
  • The couple struggling to get by after the husband experienced a head injury at work that resulted in the wife needing to stay home from work as much as she can to care for him.
  • Two families needing to leave homes they can no longer afford during the holidays.
  • Another family in fear of losing their home because of medical expenses and the lack of employment prospects sufficient to pay routine bills.
  • Families of kids with substantial mental health concerns struggling to find the right help.
  • More parents than I can count wrestling with their own mental health concerns, especially depression, anxiety and trauma.

ALL of them actively serve in a church or a ministry devoted to helping “at-risk” kids and families. And NONE of them would give up the ministry to which they have been called in exchange for a comfortable and relatively adversity-free life.

shutterstock_290374736Do you want an easy life? Stay away from church. Ignore the small, still voice inside you prodding you to serve those around you in the name of Jesus. Take the money you could use helping those in distress around you and put it toward the beachfront condo or spectacular vacations the rest of us can experience vicariously through your Instagram account.

I think I’m as frustrated by the “prosperity gospel” as I am by churches and organizations that suggest to prospective adoptive or foster parents that love and caring is all that children who have been abandoned or traumatized will need to become whole. The words don’t fit with the patterns that I see playing out in the lives of the people with whom I come in contact.

Here’s what we can promise family members of kids with disabilities who choose to follow Jesus…especially those who go the next step in seeking to live out the teachings of the Gospel. There are no guarantees of a life of comfort. You are pretty much guaranteed a life of adversity. But you will be guaranteed a life of significance. You’ll have the opportunity to join with your Creator in the ultimate battle for the universe. And you won’t be bored.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Ephesians 6:10-13 (ESV)

If mercy is defined as empathic action in response to another’s deep need, who can you show mercy to this week? 

Image from Jamesbox / Shutterstock.com

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image_ChristmasFamilyKey Ministry’s Annual Fund helps to support free training, consultation and support for churches seeking to welcome, serve and include families of kids with disabilities, and allows us to provide this blog as a resource for over 40,000 visitors each month. Please keep our team in your prayers as we prepare for 2016 and consider a generous financial gift to support the ongoing work of our ministry team.

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